Indeed, they are. I quite like this bit, since it suggests that I am the one who is making the life-decisions for myself - not society, not someone else, and not even outdated, pressing expectations for people of my social standing, of my gender, at my age. I am not single, I just haven't found the person who is right for me yet. And I am never going to be taken, but I and my partner will make a mature, consensual decision about mutually committing to each other simply because this is what makes both of us happiest. Furthermore, even though I miss a little openness from "reserve", for want of a better word, it is closest in meaning to the truth, which is a very important one.
The reason for this is another word, "deserve" - I have always hated this concept, mostly because when I didn't even know about myself, it was already abused in connection with things you are supposed to get for free - most importantly, your parents' love and respect for your sheer existence.
When the use of a word has been so abusive, it is hard to do it justice. You are not supposed to deserve being loved or not being humiliated, terrorised and beaten by your parents or anyone else as a child - these should be your rights.
However, if there is one thing that has to be deserved, it is your heart - your life, your love and devotion to, your choice of and respect for another person. Since all my life, I had been made to believe that I did not deserve to be loved, I used to give my heart to people who did not deserve it in the past, and so, I suffered a great deal.
To me, it has been crucial to learn the justified use of the word deserve. And while being loved and not being tortured by adults for simply existing is a right, there are several things you have to earn and deserve when you've grown up to be an adult. If someone knowingly hurts you, that person definitely does not deserve anything from you, period. And if you open up to only what is best for you, without any compromises, miracles happen. I don't only belive so, but I have already experienced it myself. It's not easy. You need a sea of patience and humility. And above all, tremendous trust in yourself and your newly found conviction that no torture is justified in the name of "love". It doesn't even make any sense, since "love" is already misused and uninterpretable in this context.
So yeah, not desperately single, not compromisingly taken, but actively looking for the right one, who deserves my heart. It's not just a phrase for covering up a sad state of existence but truly the most fulfilling condition I've ever experienced, since it inherently contains the possibility of happiness in its every moment. And that's the most you can have - having the real chance of happiness at each and every moment of your life. It's not an illusion but a justified and full-scale ground for hope. And that's already fulfilling in itself.
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