2012. június 7., csütörtök

Back, then forward

You know what? There is a whole world out there in which people do not self-destruct, they do not think they have to punish themselves and believe that love happens in order to make us happy, that is, so that we can make ourselves happy by it. I choose them. From now on, I'm not looking back. Never. Once, almost a year ago I felt that for the first time in more than 30 years, my life, my life had eventually begun. I had a sense of expectation, such an unknown feeling, so unlikely, but it was there. I can still recall the memory of it, that is how I know it happened. Now I want to recreate that sensation, I want to live it, not just know it has happened to me. I want to be able to feel again.

How could this happen? How could all that optimism which was almost happiness evaporate without a trace? How did I end up here, yet again, and even more so than ever before, bitter, disappointed, full of hatred? Fighting for a speck of hope, trying to find the remains of love somewhere deep down in myself, if it is still possible. Remains of love for myself, for another human being, and most importantly, for life. How did this happen after the end of last summer? That experience almost a year ago must mean what I thought it would back then. This is the only unfailing sensation, it could not have betrayed me this time either. But it is my task to make sense of it, to utilise it for my advancement, for reaching what I have always believed in, though I might have relied on external justification for it a little too much. That is definitely not going to happen again.

If you believe in it, live it. And I will, I certainly will. There is a whole world of people out there who know that we are supposed to be happy. From this moment on, I am one of them, entering their universe.

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