A Letter From the Love You Haven't Met Yet

By Emily Bracken, via the Medium.

Dear Future Love of My Life:

I know. I should have written before. Forgive me. But I got the feeling that you were beginning to think I didn’t exist. But I do. And I wanted to let you know that while I might be as elusive as a unicorn grazing in a field of four leaf clovers, I’m close. I’m around the corner, down the street, on Facebook, in your office, at our local coffee shop, a complete stranger. I made eyes at you once on the subway. I saw you across the room at a party. I swiped you right on Tinder. But it’s not our time yet. And I know you’re wondering why.

It’s really not fair that you’ve had to wait this long, or go on blind dates, endure bad sex, settle for meh relationships, feel misunderstood, cry from loneliness, wrap your arms around a pillow as you fall asleep at night. I’m so sorry, my love. You deserve an explanation. So here it goes. It’s taken me a long time to even admit this to myself much less to you, so please know that everything I’ve written here is true.

The reasons we haven’t met yet, in no particular order:

1. I haven’t thrown out the list of things I think you should be.

2. I’m with the wrong person right now.

3. I’m not ready to be loved unconditionally.

4. Since my life isn’t together, I think you’ll reject me.

5. I still believe that drama is a show of love.

6. I’ve been intentionally keeping my head too busy to think with my heart.

7. I need to date more to understand what I do and don’t like.

8. I won’t be able to appreciate you until life has kicked my ass.

9. I’m too focused on my own needs.

10. I don’t know how to create the feeling of home that lives in my heart.

Clearly, I’m not my best self yet. Or even myself—I’m still figuring out who that is. I’m pretty sure even if we did meet, you wouldn’t like me all that much right now. It’s entirely possible that we did hit it off once, and I left without getting your information; or maybe I did get your number and never called because of any one of the above reasons.

Be patient with me, darling heart. Know that I’m working my way toward you. So don’t spend any more time thinking about where I am or am not. Just keep making your life exciting and full, so when we do finally come together, we can bring each other joy, because we are already happy.

I know it’s taking longer than you’d like. It’s a hell of a lot slower than I could have ever imagined. But I’m here. This is me talking to you. And I’m not going anywhere.

Don’t give up on me.

Yours,

In perpetuity,

The Love You Haven’t Met Yet

Words are powerful

Indeed, they are. I quite like this bit, since it suggests that I am the one who is making the life-decisions for myself - not society, not someone else, and not even outdated, pressing expectations for people of my social standing, of my gender, at my age. I am not single, I just haven't found the person who is right for me yet. And I am never going to be taken, but I and my partner will make a mature, consensual decision about mutually committing to each other simply because this is what makes both of us happiest. Furthermore, even though I miss a little openness from "reserve", for want of a better word, it is closest in meaning to the truth, which is a very important one.

The reason for this is another word, "deserve" - I have always hated this concept, mostly because when I didn't even know about myself, it was already abused in connection with things you are supposed to get for free - most importantly, your parents' love and respect for your sheer existence.

When the use of a word has been so abusive, it is hard to do it justice. You are not supposed to deserve being loved or not being humiliated, terrorised and beaten by your parents or anyone else as a child - these should be your rights.

However, if there is one thing that has to be deserved, it is your heart - your life, your love and devotion to, your choice of and respect for another person. Since all my life, I had been made to believe that I did not deserve to be loved, I used to give my heart to people who did not deserve it in the past, and so, I suffered a great deal.

To me, it has been crucial to learn the justified use of the word deserve. And while being loved and not being tortured by adults for simply existing is a right, there are several things you have to earn and deserve when you've grown up to be an adult. If someone knowingly hurts you, that person definitely does not deserve anything from you, period. And if you open up to only what is best for you, without any compromises, miracles happen. I don't only belive so, but I have already experienced it myself. It's not easy. You need a sea of patience and humility. And above all, tremendous trust in yourself and your newly found conviction that no torture is justified in the name of "love". It doesn't even make any sense, since "love" is already misused and uninterpretable in this context.

So yeah, not desperately single, not compromisingly taken, but actively looking for the right one, who deserves my heart. It's not just a phrase for covering up a sad state of existence but truly the most fulfilling condition I've ever experienced, since it inherently contains the possibility of happiness in its every moment. And that's the most you can have - having the real chance of happiness at each and every moment of your life. It's not an illusion but a justified and full-scale ground for hope. And that's already fulfilling in itself.

Szigetkék

„I want what’s best for him, I really do. But I also want him for myself. I want to be what’s best for him. Am I just being selfish?”

I don’t think he is... That's just how it is with love. I mean, with the real one.

One day, when I was about 8 years old, guilt-ridden by everything that was supposed to be good for me, that I was supposed to enjoy; a threatened and abused soul questioning everything about myself, I was on my way home from school and thinking - about myself, about life and what I had experienced, as usual -, and just before turning at the corner of our street, I had an epiphany. It is as clear now as it was at the moment of realisation. That day our teacher had been reading out Szigetkék by Magda Szabó in class, and although I was only a 2^nd grader, I was deeply touched by the story. Exceptional emotional intelligence, they say. And I understood something, making a mental note about it – one of the numerous other ones to come later.

It says: “If I accept love, I cannot be called selfish since when I offer my love to another person who takes it and enjoys it, I never think he or she is being selfish. I just feel it right – because it is right. Oddly, however, when I accept anything that would make me happy, I feel guilty – as I am made to believe that I have to, while in reality, my “not accepting the love given to me out of guilt of enjoying myself, which I have no right to do” might actually offend the other person and make them sad, so my as asceticism will not be virtuous and respectful at all. It will hurt. A lot.

It is exactly the opposite: my enjoying and embracing their love towards me that does make the other person happy, which means that taking what is given to us in a mutual fashion is not selfish at all. It is just natural. It is how things work.”

Thus, wanting to become the best for someone who is the best for me is not selfish, either. It might not always happen, however much we want it, but this is the only way a relationship is worth having. You cannot make someone happy by giving up on yourself, on your desire to be made happy by him/her, feeling badly in order to make the other person feel fine. There is no such thing – unhappiness breeds unhappiness, self-denial breeds a sense of loss, tragedy and irreparability in everyone involved.

By definition, happiness may only be brought about by mutually fulfilling love. Which means that both of you are supposed to be uplifted and enhanced by the experience.

If you truly care about someone who makes you happy and you want to make them happy, it is natural to want to be the best for them. And one day, you will find the person with whom you are the best for each other.